Why I won't apologize


I just went through a break-up, so my emails might be a little melancholy.

I'm not going to apologize though.

I think we have to expand our relationship with emotions. This is my way of practicing that expansion.

Society heralds happiness and joy as the most worthy feelings.

But all feelings are important, because they are messages from deep inside ourselves.

Emotions show us what our minds don't see.

Emotions show us what we value most, what something or someone is costing us, when a boundary has been crossed, what is unjust, what is pure, what is worthy of our time, how we will change the world, what our bodies need, where home is, where home isn't, that we are human...

Most importantly, emotions show us we're alive.

For the last few weeks, I've been avoiding my emotions by spending waaay too much time on my phone.

Yes, I built this platform. Yes, I wrote a book about traveling screen freed. Yes, I consider my family screen freed.

And yes, I am human.

Like all devices, my iPhone is an excellent avenue for avoiding life.

I wasn't ready to make this relationship change. I wasn't ready to face a transition.

So I avoided.

I scrolled. I googled unnecessary things.

Mostly, I watched way too much New Girl until way too late at night.

I let the daze of mediocre sitcom comedy and the Block Blast game capture my attention enough to keep the big feelings at bay.

It worked...until I set down my phone.

Then all my problems that had been waiting patiently stepped forward to make their demands.

Except it was now 11pm, and I had no capacity to deal with them in a healthy way.

So, they made their demands louder; I tossed and turned; sleep kept its distance, and I repeated the cycle the next day and the day after.

If I'm looking at the last few weeks honestly, everything suffered as a result.

Though I actually did some incredible things in March, I couldn't properly enjoy the wins.

And the losses? I felt them much more keenly.

I still showed up to every area of my life to be a mama, friend, business owner, sister, daughter, granddaughter, freelancer, and landlord. But I could only give the bare minimum.

I showed up with less capacity, more stress, and less clarity.

I showed up cranky, easily overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and unfocused.

I made a few short-sighted decisions. I forgot things. I tripped, metaphorically and literally, and slightly jacked up my newly healed ankle.

I am not berating myself. What's done is done. Everything that happened was a result of my choices.

But it just goes to show that we can know better and not always do better.

And THAT is why I started The Screen Freed Revolution.

Because the revolution isn't just about sharing information.

It's about action. It's about community. It's about being honest, first with ourselves and then with others, so we can grow together.

It's about showing up HUMAN.

To be human means to be flawed, and it also means that we were born the most creative, aspirational, and profound animals on the planet.

So here I am, in my humanity, admitting to you that this is HARD.

Being human is hard.

When I want to pretend I'm a robot, voila!, here is my smartphone, ready to deliver to me a digital world where I can go consume and not feel, look into other people's lives instead of at my own, and escape.

But I don't want to escape this messy humanity, not really.

I may dabble in going away to robot-land.

But for real for real? I want to actually live inside my life, even when it's a place that joy co-mingles with grief.

I want to be here, with you, sharing my stories and my heart (even when it's full of sadness) and my human experience.

Humans need other humans as much as we need food, water, and air.

Sure, we can pick up tips from TikTok, we can commiserate on Facebook, we can admire beautiful photos on Instagram.

So long as we are also living here in the real world, where human hugs can be felt with the body. Where we can kiss someone for the last time. Where we can drag ourselves to the gym only to find out that our muscles actually aren't sad and that Zumba is real-life prozac.

Where we know that in order to show up for full-body joy, deep satisfaction, butterflies of excitement, and the stomach-clenching love we have for our kids...

We also have to show up to sadness, loss, anger, fear, and grief.

All emotions are housemates. We can't walk in for one without bumping into others.

So here is to feeling our way through.

Here is to getting to experience this one life, this one April 2024, this one sunny Colorado Thursday afternoon, this break-up, this vulnerability, this world that we get to collectively build together right now. This one person sitting in your body.

Jenna Lee "thanks for showing up" Dillon

If this story resonated with you or made you feel something, feel free to show your appreciation. 🥰

Life in the Moment: 30 N Gould St Ste R, Sheridan, WY 82801
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